I’d like you to grow a beard
so that when you whisper in my ear
the bristles chafe against my cheek
I’d like you to stutter an interrupted
thought from the sudden wink I give
mid sentence in conversation with another
I’d like to watch you untie the laces of
your sneakers at leisure and kick
them off so I can say ‘you’re cute’ as
you sit in your socks
I’d like my curls circled over and
around the finger tips of your left hand
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pulling me in for a kiss
I’d like each jagged edge of each of your
teeth to leave behind a soft promise on
my inner thigh
I’d like for you to move inside me with
the urgency of a million lost moments
sigh
deep guttural complete
again
And again
And again
At times I lie here
under quilted half sleep
I think of your cobbled madness
tucked into alleyways of rogue tourists
At times
the lull of a metro worm here
reminds me of sooted nostrils there
Of gaps to mind
Of the blackness of my heart rolling up
an escalator rail to emerge in a volcano
of never expected English evanescence
The damp morning quiet
Birdsong in birth
The memory of so much
too hard to contain in one heart
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Of yearning and learning
of love
of role-playing and pre-something
and post-everything
Oh old crone with your crystal glass in
expansive greens
And the riot of religion, language and flower
Spires wedged deep in ever cloudy skies
The smell of you seeping from my pores each day
Each day I am reminded of you
Each day away from you
the longing to keep being half-asleep
increases
Dubai, 20th Sep 2018 For my grandmother on her birthday (after Alex’s St. Paul’s at night)
Go forth and bring peace to the world they told us
Yours are the voices
Your hearts will set things straight (as if in its crookedness we are falling off the planet, us unsung heroines)
Every story you share will resonate
The equality you demand will be met (resistance be damned!)
The respect garnered there to stay
But
They did not consider the onerousness of this call
Heralding a new dawn
Shouting saffron signals across a hopeful sky yet slowly
Twisting to flag red
Robbing us of our own decisions our own choices our own truths
In the service of our children
For love
For quelling the hate that percolates up from the depths of unenlightenedness
Whoosh – like antacid on heartburn
Sacrifice yourselves
For the future
And for ourselves –
Or do we keep being to serve?
In service of parents and husbands and in-laws and babies and loud crashing noises that tell us self first is selfish selfish selfish
No no
No woman no cry
Be not selfish – your service will make you inherit the earth
Make generations after you believe of each other as not marginal
They will grow up with honour for the Other
And in our selfless uprising disguised
We are lemmings lurching off the cliff plunging head first into our own oblivion
We will change the karma of lifetimes
We with our capabilities, our intelligence, our willfulness
Not for naught
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So
We will serve ourselves up
For peace
For equality
The ones who come later socialized to think their partner as truly same same (but different)
Like egalitarianism does – in all its altruistic blindness
R.E.S.P.E.C.T (and all that)
We will ask ourselves how could we be fooled into this?
This giving in, giving up
Of our persons
For this Greater Good
When the greater god never made us the same
When the one was made from the bone of the other
When she with her coy glances enticed him to eat forbidden fruit
(it was is never his fault)
Oh no, we will tell ourselves…
Was it all then for nothing?
Like night to day
Light a candle and pray
The differences will stay
But perhaps our sacrifices will make the differences beautiful
Because we will be standing as tall
As strong
As powerful
As proud
As from whom we are different
Two back to back, heads at same height, shoulders measuring up down
Bodies unalike
let’s not deceive ourselves by creating differences then say they existed before we were born
I believe the colour of human skin differs
but we all bleed red
We all shit and piss the same way
Cry and love and light up when praised
I believe animals heal humans more than the other way round
And we destroy our healers
Sages who accept
who are wrecked by the bullet of pride, greed, something inside which can’t be quelled with trophies
I believe god is in the buzz of a bee’s wings and the autumn leaf
falling graceful slow to Earth’s carpet
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And three green lights in a row on a morning I am late to something
Steam warm circles on winter glass, write your name, believe the memory of you will stay long after it’s dry and cold
I believe freedom is discriminatory and has no value without the support of its environment
I believe who you love, who you fuck, what you eat, what makes you cry is nobody’s business
The child you couldn’t, didn’t, needn’t, shouldn’t, mustn’t have had not had had not had had
I believe I am only mine and no weight of guilt can make me love myself less, can shame me, can tell me how I feel
I know what I feel
don’t explain
I believe in a universe of infinite connections, so supernaturally strung as to celebrate or destroy lifetimes of labour
Like ourobouros we reinvent, reconfigure, realign and gain momentum in the many kindnesses around us
I believe there is nothing better than this moment
